Majority of the time, I can push the
emptiness aside, bury it down, and get on with my day. Try as I may, day in and
day out, I hide that dark piece inside for fear of what others will say and
think. If their opinions were supportive and reassuring rather than harsh and
judgmental, maybe I would reach out for help a bit more. So I do what I must,
going through life on auto-pilot, taking care of what needs to be done, going
with the flow of routines, and filling all the spaces in between with as many
distractions as I can find. Once in awhile I find something that stirs me up
inside but it only captures my attention for a short time before I inevitably
give up.
I have my up and downs. It’s during those down
times that the emptiness creeps in and leaves me with the feeling of being
lost, hating my life, wondering why I was even born, and how I can possibly
keep going on like this.
It started for me as a young child,
feeling emotionally neglected and unloved. When I became a teenager, there was
no one to look up to, no one to admire, and no one I could go to that would
teach me life lessons I should have been learning at that delicate age. Without
the proper guidance, I filled the emptiness by focusing on my friends,
experimenting with drugs, running away from home, and avoiding all my problems.
Eventually as I got older, I left all my jobs as soon as I became discontented,
obsessively searched for ways to change everything about myself, and finally
gave up everything about myself to please my partners.
This emptiness, this feeling of being
utterly lost in the darkness; it consumes my whole being and just when I think
I can’t handle it anymore, I let go; I give up; I stop trying to dig myself
out. By doing this and allowing faith to take over for me, it permits me
re-evaluate where I’m at and where I’m going.
I look around at my little world and
see how truly blessed I am. I have everything I need...everything I need...but
that empty void is still there. No matter how much I search for ways to fill
it, in the end, it’s all just distractions, and the darkness seeps in again.
There comes a time in your life, when
you still have a shred of hope left and maybe a guardian angel at your side,
that you decide you’ve had just about enough and you just can’t take it
anymore. These are the moments I cherish. These are the moments that define
you, push you, test you, and make you take a good long look at your life.
The message I receive is always the
same:
Amanda, you’re looking in the wrong
place...AGAIN!!!
“What lies
behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters
compared to
what lies within us.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s time for me to look inside, deep
inside. There’s this innate knowing in each of us: We have all the answers we
need if we just quiet that critical ego, get out of our own minds, fill
ourselves up with love and listen intently to our higher self.
But what if you don’t hear anything?
I was at a standstill. Then, I get a flashback from when I was a teenager. I
can remember it so clearly, telling my higher self to just shut up already, go
away, and don’t come back. Well it left alright, and here I am all alone in the
quiet of the night wondering what to do about it. Of course, I do what I do
best: I start researching online, asking those I trust for ideas, and get
myself on a waiting list to see a therapist to make sure I have a professional
to guide me if needed.
Along the way some very wonderful
things happened:
I got more involved with the Law of Attraction, found a support group on Facebook, and learned about the 11 forgotten laws.
I learned the benefit of taking a real gratitude journey with the Beautiful Happy Peaceful Facebook Page.
I built up a small library of self-help books and resources.
I created a support network of strong, independent, empowering women.
I tapped back into my creative side through writing and drawing.
I began a spiritual journey after reading The Celestine Prophecy and joining the support group.
I got the closest I’ve ever been to knowing my life purpose.
And then that’s when I found Andy Shaw. This guy is
a genius for so many reasons that I can’t get into here right now. I signed up
to receive emails of articles he posts on his blog. One of them really stood
out to me. It was about reading quotes and agreeing with their messages, then
looking at whether you actually lived your life that way. The short answer is
no, I haven’t implemented these changes at all.
I truly believe everything I’ve
learned so far, has become a good foundation for me to be able to take the next
steps in my process. It will protect me when I stumble along the way so that
dreaded emptiness doesn’t suck me too far back in again. I can depend on this
foundation I’ve built to guide me through the tough times that are sure to
come.
I’m at a crossroads now in my life.
Am I going to go back and live miserably in my comfort zone or am I going to
take that leap of faith and face the cold hard truth about how I am really
living my life...You know...the real me, behind closed doors, away from the
prying eyes of the world.
Come on, let’s jump!! As they say,
“Let go, let God”.
The more I think about this emptiness
feeling, the more I realize I’m not empty at all; I’ve just been filling myself
up with the wrong things which have become the result of looking in all the
wrong places.
“We shape
clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.”
~Tao saying
If you’re still with me here, you can
safely make the assumption that I’ve filled my pot with a lot of negativity
throughout my life. I’d say it’s just about time to empty that pot and start
filling it with more positive things that make me happy, joyful, curious,
interested, optimistic, and excited about life.
So now, the obvious question...Where
do I go from here? Well lets think about what we want to fill ourselves with,
what kind of life do we want to live, what do we want to remember about it when
it’s our time to leave this world, what do we want to leave our loved ones
with? If you want to explore this a bit more and want some inspiration to
answer these types of questions, check out this article from The Abundance Project. (It is part two of a series, you should
really check out the others too!) Everyone will have their own unique answers
to these questions, but since I am actually at this very point in my life as I
write this, I will share my list with hopes that I may be able to expand on
each of these endeavors in the near future as I work through them.
- Slow
down, tune-in, and be present where it matters most; with my family. Especially
with my children, to connect with them more by allowing them to lead, adapting
to share moments, and adding new experiences and words. Always remember to
“enjoy the little things in life, for one day, you’ll look back and realize
they were the big things”. ~Robert Brault
- Be
aware of my restlessness as a guide to judge if I have veered off my spiritual
path. Stay conscious of my current life question and be open to synchronistic
events to direct me.
-
Find
out who I really am, accept all the good and bad, be the real me as I truly am,
and let my light shine. Then, explore why I am here on this Earth and what I
have to offer in service to others.
-
Be
mindful of my feelings to find the pain I’m holding onto, heal myself through
my inner child, and learn to love myself unconditionally so I can project that
love into everything around me.
-
Re-evaluate
the story I tell myself and others. Let go of the victim mentality, take
control of my reality, and get a deeper understanding of what 100%
responsibility really means.
-
Stay
available to those that may need use of my talents. By helping others, I can
help myself get out of the darkness and fill myself up with the joy of knowing
that I am making a difference in someone’s life.
I don’t know if there is a quick fix
to fill up the emptiness feeling inside with meaning and purpose. I know I wish
there was, but I have come to find that for myself, it is all about the
journey, taking one day at a time, and doing the best I can with what I have.
When you reach the moment that you decide you are ready for a change, seek out
guidance from those you trust, even a professional, if you need it. There is no
shame in asking for help; the support will motivate you to keep going. Fill
your life with positivity; search out groups or pages on Facebook that focus on
encouraging others. Find out what works for you, what resources will benefit
your growth, and what you can learn from others that speaks to your soul.
The
road out of the darkness may seem long and hard but we can build ourselves a
foundation to give us the strength to keep trudging along until we reach the
light. It’ll be so worth it when we get there.